Write 31 Days: Being Me: Most memorable moment

Five days past my due date with my first bio-kid, I was still working. I wasn’t having any contractions yet so I figured why not. The plan was to work the rest of the week because I knew this baby was coming in a week one way or another. (The doctor would induce in a week if the baby didn’t come on its own.)

That day, I was on a conference call for work about our annual budget before heading to the doctor for my weekly check-up.

I was feeling frustrated.

Work was frustrating in general and the call had left me feeling even more frustrated. Didn’t these people know they can’t budget like that??

Everything with the pregnancy was great.

I was in no rush to have this baby. I enjoyed having baby all to myself and wasn’t ready to share my little darling with the world. I was content to keep baby in there.

So, hubby and I go to the doctor and apparently my blood pressure was high (it was a stressful call, remember). Doctor sent me to the hospital to get checked out with the thought that she would induce in the next day or so. Ok, we are having this baby soon, we thought. Little did we know…

At the hospital, they found something else potentially wrong and decided to induce not in the next day or so but in the next hour or two. We went from a 10:00 check-up to a 2:00 induction. We were having this baby now! Hospital bag had been packed for a couple of weeks but it was at home because today was just supposed to be a check-up!

We were checked into a lovely room that was actually quite comfortable. While waiting for the hospital to begin to induce I had a little fruit plate from the cafeteria. If I had known that would be the last time I ate for TWO days I would have had something more. Once they decided to induce it was clear liquids only for me.

The medicine was started and M went to get my bag and came back with Dickies BBQ. It was so unfair. The smell of the brisket made my mouth water and my tummy growl.

Remember how I said I hadn’t been having contractions?? Apparenly, I had been for a couple of weeks. I just didn’t knew that tightening in my belly was contractions. I thought contractions would hurt not just feel weird.

That night they induced, I also got an epidural and was able to sleep between the nurses checking on me and my blood pressure being checked every twenty minutes.

I had it all planned out. The next morning they would give me the rest of the meds and soon I’d start pushing and we’d have a baby before lunch.

It didn’t work out that way.

Fast forward to the next day. Eventually I did start pushing and that went on for hours. That was such a hard thing for me mentally. I kept thinking “I’m not pushing right” and “how can I be messing this up?? It’s the most natural thing to do!” Finally, the doctor tried forceps and when that did not work she announced we would be doing a c-section.

That definitely wasn’t part of my plan!!

I skipped the cesarean section part of all my pregnancy books! “This can’t be happening,” I thought. “I haven’t read about it or prepared at all!!”

They prepped me for surgery and took me in. M got ready and joined me. I just remember being so cold. I was shaking I was so cold. They covered my arms with blankets and even the top of my head. I couldn’t stop shaking.

Next thing I know I hear a baby cry and I thought they were still prepping me! Doctor held up my baby and said “it’s a boy!”

They put me back together and wheeled me into a new room. I was cold and still hadn’t held my baby. M was worried about me. The nurse tried to get me to hold and nurse but I was shivering.

My “birthing plan” was very clear that I wanted to hold my baby before they even cut the cord. I wanted skin to skin contact and to nurse as soon as possible. The fact that I hadn’t held my baby yet was upsetting to my husband because of course something was wrong if I was so blatantly ignorimg my plan. For me, all my energy was consumed by trying to not be shivering and cold any more. I could not think of anything else.

The nurse eventually helped me (forced me really and for that I’m so grateful) to hold him and nurse. I wasn’t cold any more.

I was tired but I was so in love with this little guy. This little man who just rocked my world. I looked in wonder just hardly even believing that he was the one taking up residence in my belly for the last nine plus months. I felt so amazed that this nine pound baby, only hours before, was growing inside of me and now he was here in the world.

My life changed that day. 

I was still me but suddenly I was more. I became a mom to an infant.

That was my first day of no longer being (step)mom but being mom with no qualifier, no explanation. I always thought the “step” didn’t matter, that I was a mom no matter what. I felt a difference after giving birth. I struggled with that hard. I wanted to say being a mom or (step)mom doesn’t matter. It is all the same. But it’s not.

I love, love both my kids.

Please hear me when I say that. It’s just a little different when someone who was one growing inside you is now our on the big, scary world. What they say is true: “having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body.” The love for my kids is not more or less for one over the other. It’s different. These feelings are a little confusing to me because I can’t put a label on them but regardless they are part of being me.

Your turn.

1. What is your most memorable moment?
2. How has it shaped who you are?
3. If you’re a (step)mom, how does being step vs bio differ for you? How do you feel about that?

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