Mother’s Day for Stepmoms

For stepmoms, Mother’s Day can be hard. I know it can be for me. In honor of all moms, I had this crazy idea that I’d like to feature guest bloggers who are stepmoms leading up to Mother’s Day. Since it can be a tricky day for stepmoms I thought it would be nice to honor them/us in celebration. I hope you will enjoy this series as much as me!

Let me kick it off with my Mother’s Day story…

My stepson is never with us on Mother’s Day because he is with his biomom. My husband has always spoiled me on Mother’s Day and thanked me for being a mom to T since our very first Mother’s Day together (less than a year into our relationship!). But it feels like a weird day. I feel the absence of my favorite kid. It can be awkward when people ask where he is. And only once has my husband thought ahead to have T get me something. Not because he is an uncaring guy, it’s just not something M thinks of. Like I said, he always makes me feel appreciated on Mother’s Day but you kind of want that from the kid too, no?

Last year, we were at T’s baseball game the day before Mother’s Day. All of us grown ups are standing around while the coaches talk with the kiddos after the game. With the best intentions as the coaches dismissed the players, they said run and give your moms a hug and tell her Happy Mother’s Day or you love her (or something like that). Standing next to T’s mom, I watched him run over and hug her and tell her Happy Mother’s Day. I get a lump in my throat just remembering it. My hubby who wasn’t right there, he was hanging with some of the younger kids, had no idea. T didn’t say anything to me. His mom didn’t say hey give your stepmom a hug too. Why would she? We don’t have that kind of relationship. I think we are more like coworkers who tolerate each other. Still, I was so hurt. And angry.

We stayed only a few more minutes and I fought back tears until we got to the car and I let the flood gates open. I sobbed all the way home and continued to ugly cry into my pillow when we got there. I can’t explain the hurt I felt. My hubby had no  idea. I think he may have understood once I explained but he didn’t see it coming. I wanted — I want — to be loved by the child that I love so much. He loves me, I know, but in that moment and every year around this time, I especially want to know that. And how could he express that when his “real mom” was standing right there? He couldn’t. He didn’t know how. He doesn’t know how. And we have never shown him. We keep our households separate… not for lack of trying on our part but I’m not sure we have ever done enough to help bridge the gap.

So what now? I think I might help T shop for something for his mom. His grandma (I hope) usually does but maybe I can make an effort as well. I might even give her a card (or a letter) from me. That one’s hard. I want to be honest and true. Not fake. I think I can sincerely thank her for bringing him into the world and for allowing me to be a part of his life without sounding fake. I can’t remember where I saw that idea to give the other mom a card but I like it. I might remind my hubby what happened last year. I want him to take T to get me a card all on his own initiative. While my man is super sweet and thoughtful, chances are that is not something he will think of on his own. And then I will be hurt that he didn’t read my mind.

Mother’s Day is only one day a year. While it is nice to be celebrated, I will choose to focus on and cherish the other days of the year. The days when I do feel appreciated and loved and content, which there are far more of those kinds of days in my life than the sad and angry days.

So happy Mother’s Day, stepmamas, this coming second Sunday in May and every day! You are special and you do matter to your children.

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This post is part of the Mother’s Day for Stepmoms series.

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Comments

  1. Jodi Caruthers says:

    Hi there,
    I completely understand your issue with that situation. My husband doesn’t say anything to me on Mother’s Day because I am not the mother and he didn’t think it necessary. I have finally asked that he speak to R about getting me a card for Step Mother’s Day and he has done that already. I have asked that we celebrate Step Mother’s Day with R because even though his Mom is fully in the picture and she takes care of him the majority of the time, when she can’t I am the person who steps in and cares for him like a Mother. They don’t see to get why I would want any recognition or appreciation for it. It hurts to have to explain it but I don’t think men get the emotional aspect of being the person who cares for their child like a mother but gets no credit for doing so. Hang in there and know that other women out there can appreciate you need or want for the love and appreciation just like the Bio Mom.
    Happy Mother’s Day to you Miss Lisa

  2. Lisa,
    Your story is real and honest. Your tears and hurt show how deeply you care for your stepson. You love him as your own. That’s powerful. No, he doesn’t know how to tell you that, but one day when you least expect it, he will. And then, your tears will be tears of joy!
    Right there with you sister!

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