What if Stepmom is Overstepping Boundaries?


Wow. Am I feeling convicted. I’m reading some child custody forums and keep seeing things like this…

My ex-husband’s new wife oversteps boundaries, so much so that it has impacted my ability to co-parent effectively.

I’m sure husband’s ex must feel at times that all I do is overstep boundaries. Sometimes M and his ex just can’t “hear” each other and so I step in to “mediate.” There have been times when the ex has put T n the middle and also encouraged him to not be honest with us.  And yes I did step in then. I should have let M handle it but he wasn’t able to without getting upset.

If I thought she really wanted to co-parent I would feel even worse about this! All of my “overstepping” (or at least most) has been in attempt to foster a environment of co-parenting. And it has always backfired. I have tried to talk to her to say I just want whats best for T and I want to help! I don’t think she hears me.

So here is my letter to my husbands’s ex-wife. This is what I would say if I felt like she would hear me…

Dear Biomom,

I am so sorry for all of the times over the years that you have felt judged by me. I’m sorry for the times when I have stepped on your toes and caused you to feel threatened. That has never been, nor will it ever be, my intention.

T is such an awesome kid and I feel truly blessed to be in his life. Like you, I just want what’s best for him and I believe having both biological parents in his life is best. I want to do whatever I can help you and M communicate and work together effectively for T’s sake.

Sharing your son with another woman was never part of your plan. I know I will never replace you and I will never try. Being stepmom is a special role and it is different than your role as mom. I recognize that and hope you do too.

From one mom who loves T to another,


Friends, I hope to learn how to show only loving kindness to my husband’s ex and I hope she can know that I am not a threat to her. I want that for all of you too.



  1. OK, so maybe I’m binge-reading your blog right now… 🙂

    I can relate so much to this, as the birth-mom (I have an excellent co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband and his wife), and as the stepmom (I have never exchanged words with my husband’s ex-wife). We have my stepson 40% of the time (all except the 1st weekend of the month, plus a mid week visit). I have no idea what his mother thinks or must feel. I am an invisible partner (when it seems like hubby is “not hearing” her)- his ex isn’t a believer, and acts accordingly. I’m constantly the voice reminding hubby to “not go there”, “be the bigger person”, “yes, she’s out of line…but God says…”. It’s such a thin line to toe.

    What I would say though, is although you definitely need to tread lightly, this is a position that you’ve been called to. You are M’s help mate, and if that means helping him to see what he cannot see, or helping to keep peace in your home-that’s what you are to do.



    • Ursula, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It is so lovely to connect with other stepmoms and that you have the view from both sides so to speak. Thank you so much for your comments today! I needed that! xoxo


  1. […] (I hope) usually does but maybe I can make an effort as well. I might even give her a card (or a letter) from me. That one’s hard. I want to be honest and true. Not fake. I think I can sincerely […]

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