Help from Stepmom is Refused


We offer to help and even though the help we offer is the more logical way the ex says thanks but no. And usually when “we” offer to help, it’s me who would be doing the actual helping. Why does she refuse our help, my help? Maybe she told T that we offered and he said he didn’t want to come to his house with us (because he knows we’d ask him to study for finals). Or maybe her mom really doesn’t mind driving 20 miles round trip, twice in a day, because she just wants to spend time with him. Or maybe, as a mom, the ex feels threatened.

Whatever the reason, it sucks. We could save her and her mom time from driving all over and therefore give T more time to study or hang out or whatever. But our help is refused. My help is refused. Help from “the stepmom” is refused.

So what do we do? M says we should stop offering help because she won’t take it. I think we should still offer to help when it makes sense. At least we can say we tried. But most importantly I need to stop trying to figure out why. I don’t know what she is thinking unless she tells me. Trying to guess doesn’t help me improve the situation, it only stresses me out!

It seriously stresses me out. It doesn’t make sense to me! Part of me wants to ask why she never takes us up on our offers to help. But I think that will cause unnecessary conflict.

And the most important thing to remember is God has a plan. I can’t see it. I don’t understand. It. But He has a plan. A good one.

I’m going to keep offering to help when it’s truly appropriate (meaning I won’t pester her) and leave the rest up to God. He’s got this.



  1. Great post. I had to learn to offer less, but more importantly, to not take a refusal personally. It is almost NEVER personal. Being there when my stepchildren(all teenagers) need me usually means only when they ask. I tried way too hard in the beginning and all it did was create hurt for me and tension in our home. You obviously love your stepchild and I love mine. The hardest part is stepping back and letting them come to us. They will. It may take what seems like forever but it will happen. Lol. 🙂

  2. Good morning, Lisa. Helps me to remember this: I have done (many) things in the past, offering to help my ex and seeing that it would help my sons as well. Because he sees the world in a certain way, he sees my offers to help in the same way. In other words, I mean them generously and loving, he sees them as conniving and selfish. Used to drive me batshit crazy trying to change this thinking, until I realized that I CANNOT. I can be myself, offer to do things when it is within my realm to do so, and whatever his actions are, his action are, but I no longer take responsibility for them. Perhaps they like the driving. Who knows, but I would try not to spend too much time trying to figure it out. Take care, Karen

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